Thursday, 24 June 2010

Drunkeness

Ah weekends, they come and go all too quick these days.

I seem to find more now than ever I’m getting into worse drunken states than usual resulting in me making a complete and utter tit of myself in and around Newcastle. Particularly towards the opposite sex.

In light of these recent events I thought it would be cool to do a: Top five signs your mortal drunk and clearly not impressing the opposite sex.

Lady luck has been a bit tempramental of late, I hope that by exorcising a few demons in the form of this post she may forgive me for a few of my past drunken transgressions...

But hey, your only young once so i don't really give a shit, enjoy:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. 5 – Kissing Randoms

Picture the Scene
*A woman walks in to the club who catches your eye; she gets up to dance and is clearly interested in you giving you all the signals...*

What’s actually going through your mind:

“Hey maybe if I start getting in with this girl next to me, that woman will get jealous and want me more...”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“Man slaaaag, next!”


Fact:

Mr Alcohol has tricked you, the woman now thinks you’re completely not
interested and that you’re like all the rest of the low life men she has ever met i.e. just another sleaze thinking with his dick.


Not only have you put the woman off the scent of the trail, you have now acquired an 'undesirable' who will hound you for the rest of the night and foil any further passes you make towards that nice looking woman.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. 4 – Photobombing

Picture the Scene
*A couple of women are dancing on the dance floor, you’re admiring them from afar when suddenly they pull a digital camera out...*

What’s actually going through your mind:

“Look their going to take a photo, I’m going to jump into the picture and do something funny!”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“Look at that tit in the photo, what’s his name? Loooser.”


Fact:

Too many drinks can produce somewhat unpredictable / horrible un-photogenic results kinda like those found in obscene B-Movies.


You may have successfully pulled off the best Photobomb ever with your mates cheering you on however, you have now become the most marked man in the club by both women in question.

If you’re unlucky enough your picture will make it on to the internet the next day and you will be bagged and tagged by a mutual friend in both yours and each womans social circle for all of their other friends to see and admire what a tit you actually are.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. 3 – Freaky dancing

Picture the Scene
*You’re in a club the music is starting to take effect the drinks are flowing, and some song comes on you faintly remember the lyrics to from long ago...*

What’s actually going through your mind:

“Oh this is a Tuuune, check out my moves. I’ve got the moves!”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“Ha ha check out that kid dancing, he looks like a monkey, what a divvy.”


Fact:

One too many drinks can turn Mr cool hip Fonz into an energy filled primate dancing for survival.


Apart from making yourself look like a gormless Down Syndrome kid happy to be sprung upon the general public.

Dancing while off your face is a total turn off for the opposite sex and usually results in them running for cover quicker than a bomb scare in Top Shop.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. 2 – Drunken Texts

Picture the scene
*You’re outside of a club you see a woman who you know leaving. You want to say something discreetly to her but she’s surrounded by people...*

What’s actually going through your mind:

“I want to say this to her but she’s over there and I’m too mortal and i kinda like her but ... I know, I will text her!”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“Oh yes, a text from cute guy... What the fuuuucckk man, what a retard, blatantly weird!”


Fact:

Your text will completely miss the point you intended to make, be completely illegible and make you sound like some emotionally unstable psycho stalker looking for his next victum.


As the saying goes a picture paints a thousand words, however in this instance a text has doomed you to a thousand deaths.

Not only have you sent her a keepsake for the 8 gig micro SD card, you have sent her a time bomb to jog the memory when she’s bored / hung over reading her texts the following morning. Dooming any future advances to complete failure. Nice one!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No 1. – Slurring your words

Picture the scene
*Your sitting down and see a subdued woman at the bar who you wouldn’t mind getting to know, but you lack a bit of the old Dutch courage...*

What’s going through your mind:

“I will drink these drinks, go over, talk to her and break the ice with a smooth chat up line.”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“What the fuck did he just say?”


Fact:

Too many drinks can cause astronomical collisions in your train of thought, causing you to mispronounce words and use crude gestures in order to help facilitate first impressions.


Not only did you mange to completely mess up a simple chat up line, you have somehow been misunderstood for insinuating that she’s likes it doggy style.

The woman now wants nothing to do with you and you will more than likely find a big beefy macho fella pop out of nowhere telling you to scram or else.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, 21 June 2010

Facebook

Yes, we have all done it....

Sat on Facebook done sod all else and before you know it an hour has elapsed and your now behind on life.

It's become apparent of late that Facebook is a black void sucking precious time out of my life.

I feel the need to check it more often than not for pretty much sod all however sometimes like a light at the end of a dark tunnel theirs actually something worth reading but for the most part it's just a shit storm of:

*Hey look at me! I'm alive... LOOK AT ME DAMMIT!!!*


So for this update I thought I would be funny if not cool to do the top 5 generic status updates I see a lot of on Facebook.

I will hold my hands up now and say yeah I’ve probably done all of these at some point just before a shit storm starts coming my way, enjoy:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. 5 – Holiday Weather

Generic Facebook Update:

*I'm on holiday in blah blah place and the weather is fantastic.*


Actual Hidden Meaning:

“Hey you! Yes you, you know what?
I’m on holiday and I would like to think that the weather here is so much better than the weather wherever you are.”


Fact: No one cares if the weather is nice where you are.


What I find funny is people’s actual need to go on to Facebook while they are on holiday and boast about the weather.

If anything they have left their current everyday routine to escape, see the world and have some fun, yet still they feel the need to reconnect with Facebook to see what they are missing back home.

Commenting about a different country's weather is comparable to me going on the internet picking a random country off the weather forecast and saying:

“Hey, you know what? The weather in Japan is nice today.”


Does anyone care? No. Will anyone ever care? I doubt it, unless you are in Japan at that present moment in which case I think you would already know about the weather...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. 4 – Monkey See Monkey Do

Generic Facebook Update:

*I’ve just been to blah blah and did blah blah and it was fantastic.*


Actual Hidden Meaning:

“Just to prove I’m not as boring as some of you I’ve got off my ass and done something today as I don’t usually.”


Fact: People will see you have been someplace but they’re not particularly bothered.


So you’ve been to x place and had an awesome time. Good for you.

If anything you could just tell me and everyone else next time we see you about your fantastic day out...

You will proceed to do so anyway which makes your status pretty darn pointless in retrospect and a complete waste of your time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. 3 – The Freedom Plea

Generic Facebook Update:

*I’m stuck at work I want to do blah blah but I’m stuck at work.*


Actual Hidden Meaning:

“Hey I’m going to moan to make sure everyone knows I’m being kept at work against my will.”


Fact: Everyone has to work in order to live.


If you weren’t at work making money you would be moaning that you had none and couldn’t afford to go anywhere or do anything.

You would also be more than likely living on the streets fighting off savage tramps like a ninja turtle making the world a better place for us all.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. 2 – The Lazy Bored

Generic Facebook Update:

*I’m bored and I want to do something.*


Actual Hidden Meaning:

“I’m bored and I can’t be bothered to organise something to do so I’m hoping one of you out their will leave a comment and offer to do something.”


Fact: Everyone on Facebook is bored and lacks the motivation to do something about it.


I find this quite funny for a couple of reasons:

If people see enough status updates of this calibre they will automatically assume that you’re a very boring person and want nothing to do with you.

Also nobody else on Facebook can usually be bothered to organise anything to do, in which case it’s usually left up to you to suggest something and hope someone goes along with it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No. 1 – Song Quotes

Generic Facebook Update:

*Random song quote goes here.*


Actual Hidden Meaning:

"100 different interpretations of what you just posted."


Fact: Nobody will understand what point you’re trying to communicate in the context you intended.


Talk about the blind leading the blind, I see so many song quotes on Facebook these days, I’m starting to think I’m the only one that’s not typing in Morse code.

Apart from making you look like a brain damaged cat that’s just found something it once recognised from it's past and now wants to hold on to for love and life. Nobody else will have a bloody clue what the hell you’re on about unless it’s blatantly obvious to the roving eye.

In which case you risk completely opening yourself up to ridicule by disclosing that "I need you now tonight, And I need you more than ever, And if you'll only hold me tight, We'll be holding on forever" or in the worst case scenario people thinking you’re actually more weird than you seem.