Thursday 24 June 2010

Drunkeness

Ah weekends, they come and go all too quick these days.

I seem to find more now than ever I’m getting into worse drunken states than usual resulting in me making a complete and utter tit of myself in and around Newcastle. Particularly towards the opposite sex.

In light of these recent events I thought it would be cool to do a: Top five signs your mortal drunk and clearly not impressing the opposite sex.

Lady luck has been a bit tempramental of late, I hope that by exorcising a few demons in the form of this post she may forgive me for a few of my past drunken transgressions...

But hey, your only young once so i don't really give a shit, enjoy:

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No. 5 – Kissing Randoms

Picture the Scene
*A woman walks in to the club who catches your eye; she gets up to dance and is clearly interested in you giving you all the signals...*

What’s actually going through your mind:

“Hey maybe if I start getting in with this girl next to me, that woman will get jealous and want me more...”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“Man slaaaag, next!”


Fact:

Mr Alcohol has tricked you, the woman now thinks you’re completely not
interested and that you’re like all the rest of the low life men she has ever met i.e. just another sleaze thinking with his dick.


Not only have you put the woman off the scent of the trail, you have now acquired an 'undesirable' who will hound you for the rest of the night and foil any further passes you make towards that nice looking woman.

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No. 4 – Photobombing

Picture the Scene
*A couple of women are dancing on the dance floor, you’re admiring them from afar when suddenly they pull a digital camera out...*

What’s actually going through your mind:

“Look their going to take a photo, I’m going to jump into the picture and do something funny!”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“Look at that tit in the photo, what’s his name? Loooser.”


Fact:

Too many drinks can produce somewhat unpredictable / horrible un-photogenic results kinda like those found in obscene B-Movies.


You may have successfully pulled off the best Photobomb ever with your mates cheering you on however, you have now become the most marked man in the club by both women in question.

If you’re unlucky enough your picture will make it on to the internet the next day and you will be bagged and tagged by a mutual friend in both yours and each womans social circle for all of their other friends to see and admire what a tit you actually are.

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No. 3 – Freaky dancing

Picture the Scene
*You’re in a club the music is starting to take effect the drinks are flowing, and some song comes on you faintly remember the lyrics to from long ago...*

What’s actually going through your mind:

“Oh this is a Tuuune, check out my moves. I’ve got the moves!”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“Ha ha check out that kid dancing, he looks like a monkey, what a divvy.”


Fact:

One too many drinks can turn Mr cool hip Fonz into an energy filled primate dancing for survival.


Apart from making yourself look like a gormless Down Syndrome kid happy to be sprung upon the general public.

Dancing while off your face is a total turn off for the opposite sex and usually results in them running for cover quicker than a bomb scare in Top Shop.

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No. 2 – Drunken Texts

Picture the scene
*You’re outside of a club you see a woman who you know leaving. You want to say something discreetly to her but she’s surrounded by people...*

What’s actually going through your mind:

“I want to say this to her but she’s over there and I’m too mortal and i kinda like her but ... I know, I will text her!”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“Oh yes, a text from cute guy... What the fuuuucckk man, what a retard, blatantly weird!”


Fact:

Your text will completely miss the point you intended to make, be completely illegible and make you sound like some emotionally unstable psycho stalker looking for his next victum.


As the saying goes a picture paints a thousand words, however in this instance a text has doomed you to a thousand deaths.

Not only have you sent her a keepsake for the 8 gig micro SD card, you have sent her a time bomb to jog the memory when she’s bored / hung over reading her texts the following morning. Dooming any future advances to complete failure. Nice one!

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No 1. – Slurring your words

Picture the scene
*Your sitting down and see a subdued woman at the bar who you wouldn’t mind getting to know, but you lack a bit of the old Dutch courage...*

What’s going through your mind:

“I will drink these drinks, go over, talk to her and break the ice with a smooth chat up line.”


What the opposite sex are thinking:

“What the fuck did he just say?”


Fact:

Too many drinks can cause astronomical collisions in your train of thought, causing you to mispronounce words and use crude gestures in order to help facilitate first impressions.


Not only did you mange to completely mess up a simple chat up line, you have somehow been misunderstood for insinuating that she’s likes it doggy style.

The woman now wants nothing to do with you and you will more than likely find a big beefy macho fella pop out of nowhere telling you to scram or else.

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